OFF FOR CHRISTMAS

Yes the schedule came out last week and it is official...I am off for Christmas! I get to wake up at home with my family. I have asked that we do the things I have missed on Christmas Morning the last few years. We wake up and in our jammies we open gifts. After the fun of that we eat breakfast consisting of brown ham and biscuits. Yes brown ham. There is pink ham and there is brown ham. (For those who don't know brown ham is a boiled ham.) After that Eryn, Caleb and their parents come over and we again exchange gifts. Then the rest of the family comes over for lunch. Basically it is who is left from my mother's 3 brothers and their families. This may sound like alot of people but our family has decreased by half in the last decade or so. There were 6 other brothers and sisters in Mom's family. The best part is I get to see my family. Talking and laughing over coffee and fruit cake. My aunt makes an eatable one. The one gift I have asked for is a Scene-It Disney 2 game. Why? Because I play against Eryn and Caleb. There is satisfaction in winning against a 12 year old and a 6 year old.

Thought I was Dead...

Did you think I was dead...me too. I have changed locations, changed careers, changed how I look at my job, changed my insurance company, and changed underwear frequently. During the last year or so life has been a dizzying experience. Mornings were the last thing I wanted to see with a familiar "Not again," groan. Now I am in a new situation. Corporate America and I am starting at the bottom...(wait I have always started at the bottom). I have a drive to move up. My goal is to be in a new position by this time next year if not sooner. One thing I like about this new company is that they take education and degrees seriously! I mean seriously. They have as a requirement for alot of positions having a degree or pursuing one. To them, having a degree of any kind means determination and dependability. If you can put 4 or more years into a goal you are paying for then what can you do for the company when they compensate you for a goal. Compensate... I like that word. And they do try their best to compensate the employees for their work. Not only by giving good salaries but by other important areas such as recognitions and time to celebrate. They have staff people to do nothing but think up ways to celebrate as a company and compensate the workers. They want you to improve and find a job you can love. I want to work hard for them and I will. But it is still a job, which means it is not perfect. I also have been given an understanding from past jobs that I am someone that they can do with out...I believe they call this expendable. I would like to think I was indispensable, but history does not support this theory. So here I go into the unknown. For the 2 people who read this...come along for the ride.

Simplicity

It is the simple things that bring about more wonder than miracles. I am not knocking miracles they are great and needed; but the things that seem to matter more down the road are the things that are ordinary. I can not get rid of the yearning to return to a simple time in my life. Let me descibe it to you. Before the I started my ritual of begining school, I had a perfect life. Early in the morning Mom would wake me up and get both of us ready. She was perparing for work & I was preparing for Grandma's house. After the brushing our teeth and fixing our hair we would go out into the world. Our first stop would be at Johnny V's. This was a small drive thru that sold sausage biscuits in the mornings. We would buy 3. One for Mom, one for Grandma, and one for me! Under a time scehdule, not to get Mom to work on time, to get me to Grandma's before Mr. Ed came on the TV. I didn't want to miss Mr. Ed. Forget My Little Pony, Mr. Ed could kick those stupid ponies butt! I would run into the house, sausage biscuits in hand, and jump on to my perch. Grandma had a brown chair with huge arms on each side. Arms bing enough for 5 year old me to sit. There we would eat our biscuits and watch Mr. Ed's next adventure. It was perfect. It was simple.

Missing Christmas

This year I will miss Christmas. Slowly but surely the things I held dear are being forced out of my life. It has started small, things I said I would never let drop, have landed like lead. I haven't been to church in over a month. Some of you will say it is ok, that my relationship with God doesn't depend on it. True but what about my relationship with other believers? I do think it is important to be involved in a body of believers to maintain a relationship with them. I will have to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day this year. Family is not important to this job, neither is kindness. I have missed one but never both,and never Christmas. We are trying to make it work where I can see them some, but it will be a difficult adjustment. This is not for me. I need both of my families and I am being kept from them. Have you ever felt stuck? This is new to me, I've always had options. Now, I have to miss Christmas.

Things not to call "911" for:

Now we all know that warning labels are directly related to some idiot actually trying to perform the act prohibited on the label. This entry is to let you know of a few subjects and issues that not considered emergencies. 911 is not a toy.

Please do not call 911 to...

A) ask for the high school football schedule or scores. The operator will lie to you just for fun.
B) get directions and latest news on local events like the fair. Read the paper.
C) tattle on your brother for coming in after curfew. 70% of all lawenforecement calls are realted to families not being able to handle themselves correctly.
D) see if they answer. MORONS.
E) seek advice in raising your children. Again stupid people should not breed. If you are afraid to discipline, get fixed before whoring around.
F) get a ride home because you are drunk. This is the whole reason we have cabs in the south, plan ahead and call them.
G) complain about people of different races riding in a car together. You bigot, this is not an emergency. Keep your racism off the line.

These are just a few of the issues that the 911 operators have to deal with unnecessarily. To add to this entry there are a few situations or states you should not be in when calling 911.
1) While you are naked. We don't care and will not be impressed with details.
2) While you are in the bathroom. It is never pretty...never.
3) While you are drunk. You cannot even tell us where you are so don't bother calling. Also we can't understand a word you say except cuss words, and they are not location tools or landmarks.

Thank you for respecting you local 911 operator.

More Unique Terms

In a visit to my home in Georgia I was reminded of more phrases that are unique terms in the South. Here are a few of the phrases and the real meaning behind them:

1) "He's all boy." This is often said when a male child has an accident while doing something stupid that seemed like it should of broken several bones in his little body. Really this mean "Oh no! I have the next Jack-@%$ cast member." It also eventually leads to, them as grown men, being able to take a fall off of a building with no tears but whine about a splinter for 5 days.

2) "What can I do to help?" Women often ask this when at someone's house for dinner or a special occasion. What it really means is "I really don't want to help. I am a guest. But it is polite to say those meaningless words. Please respond with the word '"Nothing."" Those who don't ask are seen as impolite even though they are essentially wanting the same results of not helping.

3) This one can be confusing so pay close attention. When a southerner is asked, "What do you want to drink?" and they respond, "A Coke." It may not mean a Coca-Cola. Every soft drink in the south is called a Coke. The correct followup question should be, "What kind?" This gives the southern an opportunity to specify what type of soft drink they want. In addition, if a sounterner asks for tea it is to be iced and sweetened, if they want it prepared otherwise they will specifically ask for it that way.

I hope this has helped you in your quest to understand the hidden meanings in the southern dialect.

Wake Up

I recently started a new job. I have never done this type of work before nor have I had to work 12 hour swing shifts. It is taxing on the my resting requirememnts. I have to rearrange my sleep patterns every so often to aaccomidate my work schedule. This is not easily solved for me. I was brought up to sleep when it is dark outside. So learning this new vampire-ish-lifestyle is difficult. So I have decided to try some new things to aid in the change over from day dweller to night stalker. I first inhale large amounts of coffee. This makes me happy, and a bit jittery. Also I make sure I have rested as much as I can during the off time. To ensure this rest I do things that bore me; like housework or laundry or watch new SNL episodes (that are not remotely funny anymore). Next I decided to use this alert time of my day to exercise...oh who am I kidding. I may never get use to the back and forth rotation of my work schdule, but I will get some satisfaction. Every two week I get a stretch of 7 days off and I get paid. Face it that is what motivates people to work unnatural hours. Those who say otherwise are liars and sleep deprived.

I need cereal

Worry. The leading cause of stress. We all worry about something. Some worry about people, some worry about success, some worry about thing they cannot control for the good or the bad. We all worry. It is as staple an activity as breathing. It has lasting effects and can cause pain. Or is the object of our worry that causes pain? I worry. Right now it is about the future. Whether my life will be fruitful or not. Whether I will follow a path of mundance exsistance in punching a clock, microwaving dinner for one, and watching TV to hear voices other than my own. I worry about my family getting hurt and what I would do to the one who hurts them. I worry about what people think. I worry what peole use to think in the past and what they may think in the future. I worry about things I can control and the things I could never control even if I tried. It takes alot out of me to worry. It comsumes hours at a time. So I have decided that I will choose not to worry about so many things. I will worry about what needs attention that only I can provide. Right now I will worry about buying things I need at home. I need sugar, washing powder, and cereal. I need cereal.

The dream

When I was in college I watched my aunt, dying of cancer, take her last breath. A few years later, my grandfather, also dying of cancer, died in his room surrounded by chatting family. After noticing he didn’t seem to be breathing I checked for a pulse and found nothing. I have been in the presence of death. I have seen it take what belongs to it right in front of my eyes. I have watched the preceding work of death; the months in hospitals, going to treatments, the 911 calls and funeral after funeral. I held the hands of loved ones in comas, folded their fingers to hold my hand because they couldn’t do it themselves, and swabbed their mouth that was drying out from oxygen masks. I have heard the tones of doctors’ voices deliver news that some could handle and some could not bear the thought. I learned the signs of death. The medical professionals calling in Hospice, getting a home healthcare nurse, and having involuntary functions like breathing being the task for the day instead of a project at work. I've seen strong people become weak and weak people exhibit strength beyond comprehension. I have heard people cry out to God and question Him in the same breath. I've heard the not-so-comforting phrases Christian say to make them sound holy. “They are in a better place…” and “God is sovereign.” I am not saying these statements are not true, but they are not that comforting. Now I am watching something die right in front of my eyes that I cannot handle. It is what I will call my dream.

I have wanted to be in student ministry since I was 15. I have listened and followed even to the extent of leaving family to be trained hundreds of miles away. I watched a passion be implemented in me that was beyond human understanding. I went to bed thinking about God and His heart for teenagers and woke up finishing the thoughts. I never wanted to do anything but this passion, this dream. I waded into shallow pools of ministry, part-time and volunteering here and there. Then I got to do fulltime, my passion was fueled ever so slightly because it wasn’t exactly the dream but it was close. Then at last a big shot. I was invited to swim deeply into the dream, propelled by a passionate calling never really quite understood. It was glorious. I felt so alive and part of a plan. Literally the smile could not be slapped off my face. Someone once said that when God fulfills a dream this is what it is like. Sleep was a bother; every minute was too good to miss. Then a tragedy hit. I still don’t really know if I caused it or not. As an observer of reality, I know that the common denominator is usually suspect in the cause. The dream seems so lifeless. Holding its hand, I have to wrap its fingers around mine because it can’t do it for itself anymore. Its breathing is shallow and its heartbeat is faint. I have heard the grave tone of voice say that the heart has left. It doesn’t look good. I know it is still in there. My dream is on a ventilator and I have power of attorney. What is best? Having it exist in this state for an unlimited amount of time or move on? Grief for the dying is agony. Miracles happen, but not at my wish. The words of supposed comfort are the words that hurt the most, “God is sovereign.” How do you know if a dream is really dead? What do you do then? If someone has some insight, please let me hear it.

Ode to the Men

In a recent post by a male blogger, he delivered a very encouraging message to Godly ladies. Thank you for that. It got me thinking; we ladies need to let the Godly men around us know they are worth more than killing bugs and lifting things. (Although it is something we need from time to time.) So here is my ode to Men.

In Genesis we see the creation of people and its description. Some people joke that after God had made everything He decided He could do better and made woman. The older I get the more I think this is a statement a feminist came up with to make her feel better because she didn't have a date. God needed to put on earth something that had the ability to love, lead, and get things done: men. I do not envy the responsibility you have as a man. They buck stops with you. You have the unique ability to work hard and play hard.

Saying "thank you,” for opening a door or holding out a chair is truly from the heart. Godly men are rare. What we women love to see is a man humbly walking with God, a bible in his pocket, being a leader without declaring he is one, and offering suggestions to fix our problems, (Yes we secretly enjoy you doing this occasionally it shows us you care enough to make an effort to help.)

You are respectable. Respect is something that needs to be earned, and as a Godly man you succeed at that. Your strength, not just physical, is something that women need to reach our potential as well as reflecting well on you. I know that the intricate workings of you mind is essential in God's plan. Does that surprise you? I know you think about sex as much as women think about chocolate; so you may have a problem with this statement. You were designed like that by God himself. Yes, there is a right way and wrong way to use this mind of yours. I have no problem with the way a Godly man handles this gift. You walk with dignity and statue worthy of admiration. You enter a room and every woman knows they are now in the presence of a Man. There is a security in your presence that we can find no where else on earth. You bring conversation topics that make us laugh and think in ways women cannot achieve. We love it when you take the time to present yourself in public. When you use products to make you smell irresistible and look GQ, we do notice; however it is your character that catches our attention. Women may be intrigued by the physical but are captivated by your character. You are beautiful too.

You have an incredible responsibility to live up to and you’re trying your best to accomplish it. God himself chose to enter humanity as a man, and you are the reflection of his image. I can see glimpses of Christ Himself in you. Briefly, moments will come when, I swear, you have shrugged off humanity itself and been covered in Christ to the point I can't tell you apart. Through this, tangible reflections of my Savior are given. We can see, touch, and feel the love of our Lord. I say the world is better for having Godly men like you. I know I am better for it. Again I say Thank You, men, for just being good men.

This is meant to encourage all men; but I must name the ones that were going through my mind as I wrote this:

• DISCLAIMER: I am not interested romantically with these men. Each of these men has shown me glimpses of Christ. I admire their character and wanted to say thank you for being Godly examples.

H.R. Nobles(Granddaddy), Dr. Phillip Briggs, Jon Creamer, Randy Heritage, Paul Marshall, Gary Rolan, Sammy Clary, David Henderson, Jacob Queen, Jamie Salmon, Michael Brown, Jim Taylor, James Paul, and yes even everyone’s favorite TBM Tavarus Brockman.

BravesVision

Human behavior fascinates me. Have you ever watched the actions people take and notice patterns? At a recent trip to Atlanta, I was entertained with a buffet of characters to observe. Of course it's Atlanta! While attending the Braves game, the people there seemed to follow a simple behavior. I observed activities that seemed to secure a way to get on the BravesVision Screen. First you must be standing because most of the folks whose mugs made it on the screen were not seated. Second as soon as you notice yourself on the screen you must raise your beer like a trophy. This generated many questions for me. Is this a way that people rub it into the under 21 crowd who could not have a beer? Is this a status symbol like a sports car or a larger-than-necessary-house? How come other beverages were not revered like the beer? After paying 3 times the normal price for my Coke I felt like it should be raised or even bronzed. By the end of the game, seeing hundreds of beer buying patrons raising their brews, and then leaving them on the floor; I came to my opinionated conculsion. BravesVision can capture several seconds of proud beer holding for a 2 story sized video of stupidity. Ahhh Atlanta!

Unique Terms

Unique to the South is the ability to say what you really mean and have it sound like a compliment. Only those inclined to the dialect of the southern tongue can pick up on the subtle but damaging words. For those who need help in understanding the insults here are some tips:

1. Anything with “Bless Your Heart,” attached to it is not sympathetic terminology. It usually refers that the individual being discussed is not as bright as they could be or that they are a magnet for bad situations.
2. Other terms similar to #1 are “Isn’t he/she sweet.” This usually refers to a child that is the spawn of Satan. It also carries a hint of calling the person stupid. Either definition can apply.
3. “Ya’ll come by anytime,” is nothing more than a term used to say, “Please call before you arrive.” or in extreme cases, “Don’t come over ever!”
4. A similar phrase to #3 is used when company is leaving. “Don’t rush off,” really means you have stayed too long. If they say this before you offer to leave, they really means business… leave immediately.
5. Terms like “Honey,” “Sweetie,” “Darlin’,” and “Sweetheart” does not mean they like you. Honestly if they really liked you they would take the time to learn your name.

These few will get you started on your way to understanding the Southern insults. Keep your guard up and you will be fine.

Never-ending Story

Today I am a bit puzzled. I encounter people everyday, even though I try not to. Have you noticed that we are very repetitive? Same things over and over. Same drink, same style of dress, same adjective used too frequently like "awesome." We like to use the same toilet paper, toothpaste, and coffee. We make a routine so involuntary that it takes no brain power at all to perform them. Repetitive. Even our conversations are repetitive. Even our humor is repetitive. We may claim to be creative, but we tell the same jokes over and over. Soon they lose their effect. We can find ourselves getting into repetitive bashing of things we, well face it, just love to bash. Bashing others, their work, their education, their style of worship, and their disciplines is just a way of making us feel better. Is this right? Does it make us look better in others eyes? Maybe if they agree, but what if they have another opinion? Does it have to be a reason to repeatedly bash something? I am not a saint. I too have had my day in belittling those who find themselves on the opposite viewpoint. It is a rush! It is fun. But is it right? What happened to the idea of not having to defend something because it is right? Or is this the way we want our children to act too. "Sweety, if someone is not like you in education, or gender, or worship style, or how you do the things you do; it is ok to state your point. You can write a blog. Mention these things over and over to justify yourself to yourself." Can't we all just get along? "But we are not fighting," aleast that what we tell ourselves as we write our repetitive arguments. Hmmm...seems to me we are playing a bit role of what it is like to be God. Do we have the right to do that? For those I have offended with my post, I am sorry. It was not right to write to offend. For those of you adamantly defending you views by taking others down, do what is right.

For Angela

Ok...I really never do these things, but it is late and I can't sleep!

Four jobs I've had:
1. Youth Minister, Plentitude BC
2. Lifeway (twice)
3. Landscaping SWBTS
4. NewSpring

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Muppets Christmas Carol
2. National Treasure
3. Harry Potter Movies
4. Most Disney Animated movies

Four places I've lived:
1. Macon, GA
2. Ft. Worth, TX
3. Gray, GA
4. Anderson, SC

Four TV shows I love:
1. House
2. CSI (original)
3. Did I say House
4. Oh I almost for got House!

Four places I have vacationed:
1. Wolf Lake
2. Gray, GA
3. That is all the places I have vacationed as an adult.
4. Agree with #3.

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Mom's chicken pot pie
2. EasyMac caserole
3. Ranch Chicken
4. Boiled Crab legs and shrimp

Four sites I visit daily:
1. Monster.com (Need a Job)
2. Various church and ministry web sites (Need a Job)
3. Email (Seeing if anyone contacted me about a job)
4. Cnn.com (to see if someone died that I could possibly take their job)

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Asleep it is late!
2. Wolf Lake
3. At Barnes and Noble (is that place heaven?)
4. At work...whereever that may be.

Four bloggers I am tagging so that they will hate me:
1. I have no friends............And if I did the last thing I would do is make them hate me!


This was.....fun.

Hunting

In recent time I have entered into the world of job hunting. I don't look good in camoflauge nor do I like the prep that goes into hunting. Some more successful hunters go as far as rubbing aromatic substances on them to attract prey. We call these resumes. Some folks have great resumes and some do not. But job hunting offers a twist that is unlike the sport of hunting. We go into the forest of the market, with our camo (business attire), our aromatic substance (resusme), and our gun (job experience). But when the prey is in our sights and the opportunity arises; we do not adjust our scope and squeeze the trigger. No, we run up to the prey and stand there. We have presented ourselves in sight, smell, and written word. And we wait for the approval of the prey. If this prey doesn't accept us, we run after another prey. And we wait. Again and again we through ourselves out there only to have to start over with a new target. I prefer sitting in a tree stand and popping the prey of my choice. After all isn't the hunter the one with the gun? So we hit the forest day after day, presenting, waiting, and moving on the other prey. Soon our stamma runs low, so we adjust our targeted prey. We go from bear hunting to something more attainable like turtles. They seem easier to track. They are more likely to take a look. They are not likely to run away. Afterall, Grizzly Adams was the only man I know of that was accepted by the bear. So we leave the forest discouraged. We go home and ready our camo. We rethink our aroma. We clean up our gun. All for the next day in the forest.

Valleys

Disclaimer: This is symbolism.

The composition of a valley is unique. They can be very deep or shallow. The can have smooth sides or be labeled as treacherous. They can have paths within them that are flat or rocky and painful. Our first inclination is to get out of the valley. We may try to climb out, but this proves dangerous because we don't have the correct saftey equipment. Maybe we think someone will hear us so we cry out for help, but the valley just echos our voices. So we refine ourselves to wait to be rescued. We set up camp and start digging holes to use for our extended stay. This is not useful because by digging we make the valley deeper. So the valley is real, it has no map "pointing this way out." Being on the mountain is our desire. What do you do? The valley is a learning tool. You cannot climb a mountain without entering its valley. We have a misconception that happiness only exsists on the mountain, but what about the rest of the land. Valleys are places to get ready for your ascent up the mountain. Here you can practice your climbing in small doses. Here you can build your endurance. Here you can learn to appreciate the light that shines through. Valleys fine tune our abilites and builds our strength. Here you prepare for the mountain. As dark and cold as it can be they still have the same amount of time as the mountain. They still exsist on the same earth. (James 1:2-4; for fun read "trials" as "valleys") So how is your valley? What are you doing while in there? Waitin to be rescued? Don't you know you already have been or you would not even see the mountain (John 9:25c).

Conversationally Impaired

I love conversations that are full and satisfying. Often times people loose their ability to create those types of conversations. These people are easy to spot, let me help clear your vision. These poor souls are suffering from a mental breakdown that doesn't allow them to realize that others don't give a crap about what they are saying. They start awkward converstions at times when you could be doing something more fun like, visiting the DMV. Always their topic surrounds themselves doing something they like, but normal people don't care for at all. Topics may include how they feel about something, quoting some movie and expecting you to know which one, or talking about their latest workout experience. Sometimes we feel like we are "out of the loop" and think we must conform to their idea of "fun" converstions. DON"T! This is a trap, do not fall prey to this demented thinking. These people think they are fun people and to others like them they are, but reality will show their true uncreative nature. We have been given so many topics for conversation that sticking with the same few seems like a betrayal. So protect yourself from low quality conversations. Be animated, creative, and fun to be around.

Moral of this story: Small Talkers use meaningless topics for meaningless conversations.

At the house

After being out of work for almost a month, I am offically going crazy. No there are no leads. I hate being at home. I would rather hold a sign at a busy intersection for Kmart's 50% off sale than be at the house. I've realized that I am a worker. I love to earn my keep, contribute to society, pay my taxes, and be considered as an adult. Face it when you are out of work for whatever reason, you feel less like an adult and more like a dependant. It is not a good feeling. So I did what I thought I would never do, I went back to the store. I am receiving stock for the Christmas season. It is only part time, but I feel like I am an adult again. I have something to do. For those of you saying, "I wish I could have some time off and do whatever I want. It must be nice." You are either lazy or have no idea what being out of work is like. I am blessed to be financially able to stay afloat, but it is still nerve-racking. I am in a race against time. I have to find a job...preferablly one that uses my gifts and abilites, before the money runs out. I am not sheltered to think that I will find this said job in a short amount of time. After all it took me almost 7 years to find a job in my sweet spot. It only lasted one month. I would like to find another one in less than 7 years, but you now understand my worry. It is not easy being a woman in ministry. Unless you have been there, you really can't understand. Yes I know God is sovereign, I also know He will put me where He wants me. But if you have been on the receiving end of those statements, however true they are, it is not comforting. It has the same affect that saying a loved one is "in a better place" after they die. So I ask for your prayers. I ask for your friendship. I also ask that if you hear of a job I would enjoy call me; I will be at the house.

Chances

What have you been training for? What has life put in your path that you have used years down the road? Has life taken a direction you didn't expect only to pickup experience you would of never had? Have you ever been given a chance? My journey so far has been ... um... odd. I went from from Georgia to Texas to Georgia to South Carolina over the last ten years. I have worked in 4 cities, 8 job positions, & 5 different churches. While in Texas at school, I worked in the Landscaping department. I mowed grass. Later, I was promoted and put in charge of an entire crew of men and women. I was to direct and maintain the landscaping for the main campus (that dealt with the lawn itself) and some of the off campus housing. I was put in a position of leadership. Wierd I know, I was shy and quiet. I wasn't trained in the finer points of landscaping. I never had experience in this type of work. The higher-ups took a chance. We had several events on campus as well as interesting seasonal events that directly affected the lawns. My crew was outstanding! We prefected the aspect of speed, accuracy, and dependability. Later that year I was honored with an award for leading this crew. I was given a chance and had awesome people working with me. Since this I have taken other positions where people have given me chances to lead and have seen things happen around me that were incredible. I love to lead. Coming along side people with a shared goal; it is intoxicating. Thank you to those who gave me a chance. Thank you for noticing that I was being prepared for the future. Thank you for passing on your wisdom and legacy to me. Thank you God for leading me everyday and being the best example of a leader ever!

Ok, now the application. People who consider themselves as leaders...Who have you given a chance to? Who have you paid close enough attention to notice potential? If you cannot name anyone, then maybe you are not the leader you think you are. Does you legacy die with you and your accomplishments or do they live within others you have passed wisdom to? Do you even have a legacy worth leaving with others? Wow this is a chunk to swallow, especially for me. I need to go an search for potential in others now.

Sanctuary Etiquette

You Loved it so here it is again:


Ok, for all those who always wanted to know what not to do in church here is a few suggestions.

1) I understand it is great to find a church that accepts you the way you are, but seriously we need to make sure that we are not misrepresenting ourselves. Worship experiences with a corporate body of believers is to be between you and God, the fewer the distractions the better. So when I find the perfect seat to focus on my Lord and someone sits in front of me and forces me to "say no to crack," I lose the essence of my worship. I believe we are to worship God unashamed, but some people should be ashamed. Please make sure that the parts that God made to be covered by Hanes products stay covered. No cracks, either from the bottom or the top. Why do so many people try to get rid of facial wrinkles and cracks but they want to show off others strategically placed ones? Also some women think it is cute to wear skirts that are ruffled and extremely short. I have a name for these skirts, Fart-skirts. It is simple, if they would fart the skirt would blow up with little or no effort. I used to tell the teenage girls to bend over with your feet crossed in front of your Dad and if he approves it is probably ok. I understand there are some horrible dads in the world but generally they will not let their name be branded as the father of a slut if they can help it. Moral of this story: If you bend, everything should stay in.

2) It is so sweet to see people who are in love. They hold hands, put arms around each other, smile in a sappy sort of way. However, remember that when in church our worship is to be focused on God, not the person we are trying to woo. Husbands and wives also need to remember to keep the married people antics at home. One recent experience left me with lots of questions and nausea. A couple who, I assumed, loved each other at least for the duration of the singing, could not keep there hands...well...off each other. I have seen secure and insecure couples scratch each others backs, squeeze hands, play with each others hair. This day I saw something that has scarred me for life...she was rubbing his butt! Up and down, side to side, circles; you name it. Any way she could rub she did. I wasn't sure if they were going to be able to stay for the whole service, but they did. PDA is only acceptable in corporate worship if you are using the computer PDA to take notes of the sermon. Moral of this story: We are to lift up "holy hands" and feel the presence of God, not grope our brothers or sisters.