The dream

When I was in college I watched my aunt, dying of cancer, take her last breath. A few years later, my grandfather, also dying of cancer, died in his room surrounded by chatting family. After noticing he didn’t seem to be breathing I checked for a pulse and found nothing. I have been in the presence of death. I have seen it take what belongs to it right in front of my eyes. I have watched the preceding work of death; the months in hospitals, going to treatments, the 911 calls and funeral after funeral. I held the hands of loved ones in comas, folded their fingers to hold my hand because they couldn’t do it themselves, and swabbed their mouth that was drying out from oxygen masks. I have heard the tones of doctors’ voices deliver news that some could handle and some could not bear the thought. I learned the signs of death. The medical professionals calling in Hospice, getting a home healthcare nurse, and having involuntary functions like breathing being the task for the day instead of a project at work. I've seen strong people become weak and weak people exhibit strength beyond comprehension. I have heard people cry out to God and question Him in the same breath. I've heard the not-so-comforting phrases Christian say to make them sound holy. “They are in a better place…” and “God is sovereign.” I am not saying these statements are not true, but they are not that comforting. Now I am watching something die right in front of my eyes that I cannot handle. It is what I will call my dream.

I have wanted to be in student ministry since I was 15. I have listened and followed even to the extent of leaving family to be trained hundreds of miles away. I watched a passion be implemented in me that was beyond human understanding. I went to bed thinking about God and His heart for teenagers and woke up finishing the thoughts. I never wanted to do anything but this passion, this dream. I waded into shallow pools of ministry, part-time and volunteering here and there. Then I got to do fulltime, my passion was fueled ever so slightly because it wasn’t exactly the dream but it was close. Then at last a big shot. I was invited to swim deeply into the dream, propelled by a passionate calling never really quite understood. It was glorious. I felt so alive and part of a plan. Literally the smile could not be slapped off my face. Someone once said that when God fulfills a dream this is what it is like. Sleep was a bother; every minute was too good to miss. Then a tragedy hit. I still don’t really know if I caused it or not. As an observer of reality, I know that the common denominator is usually suspect in the cause. The dream seems so lifeless. Holding its hand, I have to wrap its fingers around mine because it can’t do it for itself anymore. Its breathing is shallow and its heartbeat is faint. I have heard the grave tone of voice say that the heart has left. It doesn’t look good. I know it is still in there. My dream is on a ventilator and I have power of attorney. What is best? Having it exist in this state for an unlimited amount of time or move on? Grief for the dying is agony. Miracles happen, but not at my wish. The words of supposed comfort are the words that hurt the most, “God is sovereign.” How do you know if a dream is really dead? What do you do then? If someone has some insight, please let me hear it.

Ode to the Men

In a recent post by a male blogger, he delivered a very encouraging message to Godly ladies. Thank you for that. It got me thinking; we ladies need to let the Godly men around us know they are worth more than killing bugs and lifting things. (Although it is something we need from time to time.) So here is my ode to Men.

In Genesis we see the creation of people and its description. Some people joke that after God had made everything He decided He could do better and made woman. The older I get the more I think this is a statement a feminist came up with to make her feel better because she didn't have a date. God needed to put on earth something that had the ability to love, lead, and get things done: men. I do not envy the responsibility you have as a man. They buck stops with you. You have the unique ability to work hard and play hard.

Saying "thank you,” for opening a door or holding out a chair is truly from the heart. Godly men are rare. What we women love to see is a man humbly walking with God, a bible in his pocket, being a leader without declaring he is one, and offering suggestions to fix our problems, (Yes we secretly enjoy you doing this occasionally it shows us you care enough to make an effort to help.)

You are respectable. Respect is something that needs to be earned, and as a Godly man you succeed at that. Your strength, not just physical, is something that women need to reach our potential as well as reflecting well on you. I know that the intricate workings of you mind is essential in God's plan. Does that surprise you? I know you think about sex as much as women think about chocolate; so you may have a problem with this statement. You were designed like that by God himself. Yes, there is a right way and wrong way to use this mind of yours. I have no problem with the way a Godly man handles this gift. You walk with dignity and statue worthy of admiration. You enter a room and every woman knows they are now in the presence of a Man. There is a security in your presence that we can find no where else on earth. You bring conversation topics that make us laugh and think in ways women cannot achieve. We love it when you take the time to present yourself in public. When you use products to make you smell irresistible and look GQ, we do notice; however it is your character that catches our attention. Women may be intrigued by the physical but are captivated by your character. You are beautiful too.

You have an incredible responsibility to live up to and you’re trying your best to accomplish it. God himself chose to enter humanity as a man, and you are the reflection of his image. I can see glimpses of Christ Himself in you. Briefly, moments will come when, I swear, you have shrugged off humanity itself and been covered in Christ to the point I can't tell you apart. Through this, tangible reflections of my Savior are given. We can see, touch, and feel the love of our Lord. I say the world is better for having Godly men like you. I know I am better for it. Again I say Thank You, men, for just being good men.

This is meant to encourage all men; but I must name the ones that were going through my mind as I wrote this:

• DISCLAIMER: I am not interested romantically with these men. Each of these men has shown me glimpses of Christ. I admire their character and wanted to say thank you for being Godly examples.

H.R. Nobles(Granddaddy), Dr. Phillip Briggs, Jon Creamer, Randy Heritage, Paul Marshall, Gary Rolan, Sammy Clary, David Henderson, Jacob Queen, Jamie Salmon, Michael Brown, Jim Taylor, James Paul, and yes even everyone’s favorite TBM Tavarus Brockman.